I found it rather ironic that today was Valentine’s Day, the day of mushy love songs and undying love and wicked sex and stuff, and I was having a vaginal exam by someone other than my husband.
As soon as I got into the exam room they had me strip down to naked, then gave me a paper towel to cover up with. What the hell happened to actual sheets. Sheets that wrap around the naked sides of your ass cheeks that always hang out? And a robe. A robe would have been nice. Instead, I got another paper towel, only this one was pink with two arm cut outs. Oh, and, did I mention that the room was 14 degrees?
Doc: How long since your last pelvic exam?
Me: Shivering Let’s see, my daughter is eight and I had a pelvic at my 6 week check up after she was born.
Doc: Blank stare
Me: Stare at the ceiling while I see Doc staring at me, because really, do I want to make eye contact with the chick who has her hand up my vagina? Not so much.
Doc: Was it normal?
Me: I guess as vaginal exams go, yes. Speculum, gel, rubber glove. Ya know, the basics.
Doc: I meant the results.
Me: Oh. Ohhhh. Yes, as far as I can recall, I was normal back then.
Doc: Have you ever had a mammogram?
Me: Nu Nuh Nuh N-Nope.
Doc: Why not? Are you cold?
Me: Shivering Um, honestly? I have not had that burning desire to repeatedly slam a big heavy metal freezer door on my breasts?
Doc: Blank stare
Me: Tension in the air. Everything look good down there?
Doc: Yep.
Then she jabbed me with a hot poker or something because I felt it. A jab. A hot poking jab that reached all the way to my belly button. Afterward we discussed the myriad of other symptoms which made me get off my fat ass and finally go to the doc after eight years. Every symptom was met with “oh, that sounds normal for your age.” Summing up the conversation went something like this:
Mood swings - normal
Irritability - normal
Anxiety - normal
Increased allergies - normal
Achy breasts and wrists - normal
Inability to concentrate- normal
Hot flashes - normal
Tired all the time - normal
Dryness and discomfort - normal
Hair falling out - normal
Sudden weight gain - WHOA!
Doc: how sudden?
Me: Like, 10 to 15 pounds in the past 3 or 4 months.
Doc: Have you changed your diet?
Me: In fact, yes. I don’t drink soda like I used to, I walk on the really expensive quilt holder two to three times a week and I’ve cut out carbs for the most part. I don’t eat fast food and have been having Cardboard and Styrofoam Peanut Slimfast granola bars for breakfast since December.
Doc: And you are gaining weight? (said with raised eyebrows)
Me: Yes. My waist is now non existent. I have a glob of goo that rolls out of my jeans to hang precariously over the top of them and my thighs have taken on a life of their own and at this rate will need their own zip code by summer.
Doc: Hmmm. I want to test your Thyroid and hormone levels and test you for anemia.
Then, she agreed to let me put my clothes on and warm up a bit. I went out to have my blood drawn and the lady said “your arm is really red here.” and I said “yea, I just came from exam room 2 where it was all of 14 degrees and I think I might have rubbed my arms just a little to vigorously and made it red.” Guess what she said (except Miss Ann - you don’t have to guess). She said
“Oh.”
All in all, until the test results are back, I don’t know shit. What I do know is that they won’t give me drugs for anxiety until they know my hormone level to rule that out. The doc thinks my recent moods/irritability/anxiety issues are all age related and not a mental issue. They are sending me information on the Endometrial Ablation. They won’t call unless the PAP is abnormal. They won’t have the Thyroid results back for a couple weeks, and apparently, this whole aging thing is going to be a royal pain in the ass. Yay me. (or is it Yeah! Me)
Sounds like Hypothyroidism to me. I have it too.
ReplyDeleteI usually have my results back in a couple of days for the thyroid.
And funnily enough, I had my pap yesterday too. Happy Valentine’s Day to us both!
Ditto everything Jen said. They caught mine after The Girl was born and have been medicated ever since. I get my levels checked every 6 months and it has never taken longer then 48 hours to get the results back.
ReplyDeleteAnd, for the record, your symptoms sound a lot like mine.
Women over a certain age should have their thyroids checked yearly.
ReplyDeleteHang in there; help is on the way. xo
valentines’ day must be “pap day” or something….I joined that club, too.
ReplyDeleteSucks about the thyroid…but at least that’s something they can manage.
I’m so glad you went! Going down the list of symptoms, it seems I have alot of those too. Thank God it’s all normal. Now I won’t have to go myself!
ReplyDeleteYeah, aging definitely sucks. And here’s a question - why does it seem that my feet have gotten much older, much faster than the rest of me?
ReplyDeleteHmmm.
PS - A couple of weeks for thyroid results? They should have that back in a couple of DAYS…
Low thytoid can cause all sorts of problems. I’ve been on meds for it for 8 years. Also have them check for pernicious anemia. ( unable to absorb vitamin B 12). It shows up in about 5% of all hypothyroid cases and it will also make you feel like crap. If you have that too, it’s easly treated.
ReplyDeleteI’ve had the ablation thing done, it worked and was an excellent choice for me. I only took a few days off, no big pain.
It should have been a one day outpatient surgery but none of us knew I was allergic to morphine. That caused a few problems. Having said all that, I’d do the ablation thing again if I had to.
Good luck with all of your stuff.
I hope everything is all right. And not to be a smart ass, but it’s a “speculum”. Don’t ask how I know.
ReplyDelete*jumping up and down* YAY Endometrial Ablasion or as I call “Burnin down the house!”
ReplyDeleteI will do anything to avoid a pap test, god, I HATE those exams! It’s been years so when finally go I suspect my conversation will go something like yours.
ReplyDeleteAnd I bet your thyroid is just fine, they just love to do tests.
It’s good they’re checking, but watch the thyroid thing, though. I had a Dr. say it was a tad low, but still within NORMAL, so why was she trying to give me drugs for it? So I saw another Doctor who said my thyroid was fine and it was a good thing I didn’t start the drugs because you can whack out your thyroid with them.
ReplyDeleteI think it’s the age. Me and several friends have suddenly noticed the waist thickening. I thought it was just me.
And what the Hell has happened to the gowns? I don’t even get a paper gown, I get a tiny paper vest and a paper towel, like you said!