I had a dream this morning

I was in some kind of an older farmhouse.  My dream house probably.  Wrap around porch.  Wood floors throughout. Big windows with lots of light.  My granddaughter was with me.  She was running through the house in her onesie pajamas with non-grippy feet and she kept slipping and falling. Two or three times this happened.  I would go over and pick her up and just like in real life, she'd put her hand on my arm and ask if I was “OKAAAYY?” and I would say “I’m okay, are you okay?” And she would say yeah and toddle off.  This is exactly how it happens in real life too.

Anyway, she was running through the kitchen into what I believe was a mudroom or closed in porch of some kind. There is a step down into this room, and she fell.  But this time she was crying.  I went over to her I helped her stand up.  She had fallen onto a pile of sheet rock screws. The kind that are long and thin and black and pokey.  They were stuck stuck to her hand and onto her jammies because flannel. 

I sat down beside her on the step and began picking the screws off of her pajamas with one hand and I’m hugging her with the other arm and I’m asking if she’s okay and she says yeah, then she asks if I’m okay and I said yeah and we go back and forth a couple times.  I look down to the pile of screws on the floor and in the pile is my mom‘s wedding ring, her mother’s ring, and her watch.  I picked up her watch and it was different from the watch she wore every day for 50+ years.  This was like a mother's ring, but watch version.  Every hour was a birthstone for each of her kids. 

I picked up her watch and leaned back against the wall.  I closed my eyes and ran my thumb across the face of the watch to feel the stones.  I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of something.  I start to cry. Just those two silent tears that roll slowly down your cheeks. I leaned my head back against the wall that I’m leaning on and I hear my mom calling me from the other room. 

She said “Stella what’s wrong” and I smile to myself.  The tears march silently toward my chin.  

I’m still sitting on the floor; still leaning against a wall.  Eyes closed.  I said “nothing.”  And she said “Stella. WHAT is wrong” and I said “nothing, mom.”  as I sit gently caressing the watch, stroking my thumb across the stones.  Tears maintain their steady slow roll down my face.  

In the dream it felt like I was glad to hear her voice. Or maybe comforted by it?  It was that feeling you have when you smile to yourself because you fondly recall a memory that made you happy years and years ago.

I open my eyes, and my mom is sitting across from me.  We’re on chairs, sitting at a table that I cannot see. I cannot see her body, only her face right in front of me. So real I could reach out to touch her.  But I don't .  She’s looking at me with her 74-year-old face. Her unkept short hair.  I remember thinking her cornflower blue eyes were alive as she sat there, blankly staring at me.  Then she turned and looked to her left side, she smiled, and she said something I couldn’t hear.  She turned back and looked at me. Again with that stare. 

I woke up immediately. The wake up when bolt upright in bed.  But I just lay there, staring at the ceiling. Trying to figure out why I'm awake, but also why that dream. 

I could still see her face as I stared at the ceiling.  Like when you look at a light bulb then turn away, but you can still see the bulb.  It was like that.  Her eyes were so alive.

And I laid there, going over the dream in my head What does it mean? Where did it come from? Because I don’t really miss my mom.  As adults, we hadn't been close for probably the past 15 or so years.  I would call her on her birthday, and on Mother’s Day, and on Christmas.  I’d see her when we went to California.  Our chats were mostly superficial. 

So why this dream. With that stare? Was she trying to tell me something?  Do I miss her?  

I don't know.  I stayed in bed for probably 20 minutes, eyes closed, replaying the dream over and over in my head trying to make sense of it.  In a moment of brain silence, when I think I may have been drifting back to sleep, my inner dialogue said something that chilled me. In fact, startled me.  My eyes flew open for the second time this morning.  

I don’t know why you miss her now she was never there for you when she was alive.

Today

 I decorated the tree and cooked dinner tonight.

I had a dream last night that I was on a quest with my daughter to find something.  She kept asking what we were looking for and I kept calling it the Rock of Gibraltar.  I don’t know why I was on the quest.  As the kid and I made our way to the top of a ridge, where we could see the mountain, it wasn’t the Rock of Gibraltar, it was some other mountain very similar in shape and size. As we worked our way toward the mountain, I could see something poking out the left side. We were hurrying. Time was running out. We were still at least a mile away. As we weaved our way through the weeds and rugged terrain I could see that the thing poking out was a huge cross. It wasn’t carved in the mountain. It had been impaled there. I stood, speechless and staring, wondering how and why. Dumbfounded, I heard The Mario Bros music and my game was over. 

I lost. 

Must be stressing out a little

I had two bad dreams last night. 

My step dad was in the first dream.  He was mad about something and he was taking all of my things (even though I was a grown ass woman!) and I was trying to run away but he took my phone and I couldn't find my charger and I finally got my phone back when he wasn't looking and ran out the back door toward safety, I jumped a fence and had no where to run because all that was there was water.  My mother, of course, was inside the house telling me to just let him get it out of his system (whatever he was mad about) but I truly felt in danger and knew I had to escape.  That woke me up at 3:27 a.m.

The second dream I don't recall so vividly.  I remember we were trying to find somewhere to live and The Man and I were looking at crappy little apartments in some weird little town but they were all run down and/or condemned and and no one would work with us to pay the deposit and first month's rent and no one would allow us to have the dogs. And oddly, Will Hayden was the only landlord wiling to take our money, the rent was only $625 a month and he didn't care about the dogs and there was a huge yard where they could play.  The Man kept saying that was our only option but I was afraid becuase the apartment was falling apart and had a balcony where the dogs would have to jump down into the yard and I was arguing with The Man that we needed to keep looking. 

I woke up around 5:30 a.m. and decided trying to sleep was futile. 

Apparently this being two months behind on all the bills and the fear that we cannot catch up in time has me a little stressed out.

In my dreams

Yesterday I had a dream that woke me up at least four times.  I had all but forgotten about it until I was taking a bath so I could go to work - and then it hit me like a ton of bricks and actually sucked the air out of my lungs. I was honestly stunned as I sat there trying to wash my hair. 

I had apparently suffered a breakdown of some kind.  I know this because I’d checked myself in to a facility.  There were other “patients” there, and lots of rooms with beds and rooms with televisions and an arts and crafts room.  There were doctor and nurse types milling around.  And I knew that I had checked myself in.  And that I needed some rest. 

And that’s the first time I woke up.  It was 3:43 a.m.

The next part of my dream was me touring this “facility” and being told about what it offered and I saw more of the arts and crafts room and the TV room.  There were lots of us “patients” wandering around.  They all looked fine to me, just tired. We are all so very tired. 

Then I woke up again. It was 4:12 a.m.

The next part of the dream takes place in what I suppose was my “room” and I had a roommate and she was doing something over on her bed, I can see her, but she is more a shadow than anything else.  I was talking to someone, a worker of some kind, and I was so tired.  I was bitching that I had to get ready for work and someone had told me I could not leave so I was pissed.  I plead my case, that I had a job to do and needed to leave, and I promised to come back after work so I could sleep and rest, the worker kept telling me I couldn’t leave.  I started to get really anxious because they would not listen to what I was saying and then I woke up again. 

This time it was 5:56 a.m. The sun was up.  The dogs heard me open my eyelids because they started to wrestle around but I drifted off to sleep again. 

In my dream, a new person was talking to me, I think he was a doctor type and he was holding my arms to my sides and telling me that I was not allowed to leave, even to go to work.  And I was still so anxious. And I started to breathe heavily in my dream and I said my boss would be mad if I wasn’t at work and I said no one had told me when I came in that I would not be able to leave again and why weren’t they listening to me?  And I said over and over that I had been tricked and lied to and no one ever said if I checked in I wouldn’t be able to leave.  I even said “what is this, Hotel California? Where you can check in but never check out?” And the doctor guy just kept saying to calm down and take a deep breath and it would be alright - and then I woke up again.

I felt out of breath and hot and sweaty.  I my dream and how I felt upon waking up to mean a few different things. 

I’m feeling trapped.
I’m feeling alone.
I’m feeling pressured.
I’m tired (Duh!).
I’m feeling out of control. 
I’m feeling like I need to run away to have any kind of me time, peace, quiet, and/or sleep.

My solution:

I don’t have one.  Status quo for now.  Because short of quitting my job or school, there is nothing that is going to change during the next 13 months.  I have too many things to do, too many deadlines, too many people counting on me and there are simply not enough hours in the day.

Dreams are not my friend

All this sex talk is giving me bad dreams.  I woke up at 3:36 a.m. this morning after a weird, disturbing dream.  The man and I had gone to a club of some sort. It looked like a restaurant and there were many people eating and drinking at tables. There was loud music and I recognized many people in my dream, including an elderly Mormon lady I used to work with. She was boozing it up and toasting many people, the man and I included.  Everyone was happy happy, joy joy.

The man and I walked into the next room and there was a bed.  Apparently, we were in some type of sex club. I could hear the loud music still and then Pink, the singer, was there.  She was butt naked and as the man and I undressed, I became uneasy.  We climbed into the bed, under the covers and as I pulled the covers up, the man pushed me under the covers just as Pink slid under the covers on the other side of the man.  My face was a good inch from her thigh, just south of bush gardens. I remember hearing the man say something about how I was into oral sex and my mind was racing that I?m NOT A GIVER!

The next scene I?m on the floor of a tour bus of some sort.  I was groggy and naked and had clearly had lots and lots of sex.  I remembered the man and I getting on the bus but that is it.  I was looking for the man and some guy on the bus said he had left.  My mind was again racing and trying to figure out WTF just happened.  I was staggering back through the dinner club looking for my husband and my mind kept saying ?he left me there.  He fucking left me there?!? 

That is when I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach.  Baby jeebus, what does it all mean?

Weird Dream

I had a really weird dream last night.  So weird, that it woke me up crying twice and each time I fell back asleep, I was sucked right back into the dream.

I was living somewhere green.  Lots of mountains, hills and valleys.  It was very pretty.  My house was whimsical. It was cottage like, in the middle of a big green, rolling hills valley.  It was mossy and had large trees around it.  The inside was very much my house with clutter and knick-knacks and such.  The dramas were there but not active in my dream. 

The man had a handgun.  He bought it without my knowledge and when I found out he had it, I reminded him that there were laws against carrying it.  I wasn’t mad about the gun. Just concerned. 

Next scene, the police are taking the man away. He went somewhere with the gun and he was arrested for it.  I was devastated.  I don’t know where he went but it was something stupid like a grocery store or the like.  He was going to prison for 18 months.  I was driving back to my house after either seeing him or dropping him off at the prison (I’m not sure) and I was crying and sobbing that our lives were ruined for the next 18 months. I was so upset.  (I woke up here, looked at the clock, it was 6:12 a.m. and I went back to sleep).

I parked in front of my house, under the big mossy tree.  I started to go inside, and I had my bottom lip sticking way out in a pouty frown and Poppy asked me what was wrong.  I started crying all over again.  I became hysterical and again could not stop crying.  (I woke up again crying and looked at the clock, it was 6:36 a.m. and I went back to sleep).

I was again sucked right back into my dream. I don’t remember the rest except that Poppy was holding my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her, telling me that it was going to be alright and the time would pass quickly. I kept arguing with her that I had to tell the dramas their dad was in prison and he wouldn’t be home for a very long time.  She just sat there holding my hand and telling me it would be okay. 

I finally woke up when my alarm went off at 6:45 a.m.  It was a very bizarre dream, and only the second dream I’ve ever had that included another blogger (I don’t count the dreams I have about Miss Ann cleaning her floors because I have those a lot and they’re always about her scrubbing the floors.)

Another Weird Dream

I can always tell when I’m stressing out because I have really vivid, weird dreams.

I was in some kind of school and I was late (which is a recurring issue in my dreams) and I had to park in some funky parking lot that was fenced in with 25 foot tall chain link fence.  The lot was behind the building that housed the school and I had to go through a maze of sorts with stairs and halls and things to get to my class.  Between class rooms were these apartment type things.  Mac Watson and Gaydos (two local radio guys) lived in the school/apartment thing.  I was walking down the hall and saw Mac laying in bed. 

The next scene takes place with me walking into what is my my house and the man is wearing some kind of suede skirt thing and he is raking dry grass in the front yard. I don?t pay much attention other than to roll my eyes at the skirt and wonder why he is wearing it with girl boots and no shirt.  I go in the kitchen where my friend?s wife is sitting.  Except in my dream, she isn?t my friend?s wife, she is some really chunky chick who won?t make eye contact with me.  I don?t speak to her and just let her sit there.  She has a pretty face and long blond hair.  She left and the man came in and was telling me how she keeps getting screwed by all these guys and she is a really good girl and that is why he was leaving me to be with her.  He said ?she keeps getting screwed because she picks the wrong guys? and I said ?I know the feeling? and walked away.

Then, I was walking down the hall with my LSAT score and I was back at the school/apartment thing and my book with the results was torn.  I wanted to staple it together but Mac Watson wouldn?t let me because I got the book from Gaydos and he gave it to me ripped so it was supposed to stay that way and I kept arguing that the score was wrong (it was a 206.5 and you can only get a 180 on the LSAT) and I needed to reconstruct the book to find out if there was some kind of key or score range so I could calculate my actual score.  We ended up arguing that since Gaydos gave me the book, it was technically MY BOOK and I should be able to do whatever I wanted with it and so we were stomping down the hall because I had to get Gaydos? permission to staple the pages back together and figure out if I passed the test and when we got there, he said no.  I was standing there, flabbergasted and trying to figure out how the hell I would ever know if I actually passed or not and then I woke up. 

Bloody Hell

I have to go to Utah this weekend for my youngest sister’s wedding.  She is marrying some guy that she’s known for a few months.  They met online.  The same place she met her ex, who is also the father of her baby.  Her baby is not even a year old yet.  I don’t know why she is marrying this guy. I don’t think I give a shit anymore.  We will leave to drive Saturday morning and should arrive by mid afternoon. The wedding is Sunday and we’ll drive home on Monday.  I am secretly hoping for one hellacious snow storm that will close all roads leading to hell so I don’t have to go. The way I look at it, this is my last family obligation and I don’t have to go back. Ever. 

Although, up for debate with the man is whether or not I’ll go back for my mom’s funeral.  He says yes. I say doubtful. 

In other news, since my parents showed up here a couple weeks ago, and the pending date of nuptials and the dread that comes whenever I have to spend any amount of time with them, I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks.  The other night, I had a wicked dream that woke me right the hell up.  My step dad was going to kill me.  I’m not sure why.  My youngest brothers were in the dream, as was the new puppy a/k/a the domestic terrorist (who is currently running through the house at Mach III, bringing every dog toy we own and dropping them at my feet.  Personally, I think she is retarded).

Anyway, my step dad is behind me, chasing me down a street. I know he wants to kill me.  Then, I am in a house, where my youngest brother is a little boy again, maybe three or four, and I am trying to wake him up to tell him I will get help.  He is sleeping on a mattress on the floor and there are clothes and toys everywhere. I need to kick a path to where he is sleeping.  He knows my step dad wants to kill me.  He is faking that he is asleep to stay safe, but I need him to wake up and take my cell phone so when the police finally fucking answer, he can tell them where to go.  My phone is wrapped in plastic so I don’t get blood on it and I tuck it under his pillow.  I also want him to hold the puppy because I know she will be safe with him.  I go to pick her up off the floor and I see that my step dad has chopped her head off, only when I pick her up, she is alive and her head is still attached with only a three or four inch slice on her neck.  I started walking down Blair Street.  This is a street we lived on when I was 14 years old.  It was a small street, maybe 12 houses on each side.  I was walking down Blair Street and my step dad was behind me with a shot gun.  He was firing off shots and I was weaving between cars and yelling for someone who could help the puppy.  A lady came running out of my aunt’s house and said she could help so I handed her my puppy and I went running down the street to the end of the road because there was a fire truck parked there.  By the time I got to the fire truck, there was a carnival going on.  Suddenly, I was riding this airplane type ride, my second youngest brother (who is a colossal disappointment to me) was in the front and I was sitting behind him.  I asked if he was having fun and he said ‘yes, but only because I am here with you.” and he looked at me with his eight year old face, front tooth missing and the biggest grin, beaming from ear to ear. 

Then I woke up crying.

I had the weirdest dream before the L S A T

I was sitting on a couch, in a sex club, people watching, chatting with Fergie.

(I know!)

Fergie (as in Black Eyed Peas Fergie).  She was asking why I was there without “Chris” (apparently my husband).

Anyway, it was Halloween, and there were couples everywhere and I was sitting on this couch, all nonchalant with Fergie, talking about why I was there without my other half and saying that I just stopped in after work because I was bored.  I was keeping an eye on 8 who was playing over in a corner with some other kid.

(I know!  I?ve thought so long and hard on why my kid was in a sex club that my head has exploded twice)

Then, I was leaving the club, but it was in the building of a car dealership, in a seedy area of town.  It was later at night, and I was telling 8 to stay with me because I had a dangerous feeling.  We walked through a dirt field to get to the truck (I’m driving the man’s truck in this dream) and I have a flat tire!  Now I?m pissed because it is dark and I’m a single girl and I have to change a flat tire and I open the door to let 8 in, and this man and woman are in various stages of sexual activity IN. MY. TRUCK.  I asked WTF and they said “oh sorry” and left. 

My flat tire was apparently a magic tire because I was able to drive away just as the man called on the cell phone to ask where I was and when would I be home.  I had a moment of panic because I was at the club without him, then I woke up. 

WTF does it all mean?

Counting the days

So. 

79 days.
2 months, 17 days.
6,825,600 seconds.
113,760 minutes.
1896 hours.

Until I take the LSAT.  Suddenly, the date is looming on the horizon and I do not feel one iota prepared.  I’ve studied and studied until I fall asleep on the couch.  I study in the bath.  I study in the bed.  I even studied at Ford last week while I was having the car checked before I drive the dramas to California this weekend.  For. Two. Glorious. Weeks.

That is right.  They will be gone for two whole weeks.  I am a mixture of sadness and glee.  Casual and anxious.  The longed for time to myself versus the heavy feeling of empty and alone that comes upon a parent when their child is gone. 

But, I digress. 

I have convinced myself that I must take this test and rock it.  I’m stressing myself out about the rock it part.  I did fine on the practice test I took last year. Now I seem to be over analyzing.  Over thinking.  Over worrying about that damn score.  The higher my score, the more scholarship money I get.  The more scholarship money I get, the less student loans I will owe.  The more I stress, the less I sleep.  The less I sleep, the more I dream. 

I had some fucked up dream the other night, I don’t remember much of it but Miss Ann was there.  She was cleaning a floor and from where I was standing, every time her wet rag would swipe the floor, it appeared as though she was painting a picture of JFK?s face smiling.  It was very weird. 

And, on top of all of that, I’m craving chocolate.  I should be craving booze. 

Thursday Thirteen - #???

Thirteen Things That Have Irritated/Angered/Pissed Me Off This Week

1….Don’t forget to go vote for your fav blogs (and me of course) in the Really Fucking Stupid Blog Awards. (This doesn’t piss me off but shameless plugs may piss off someone else so I found it apropos to post here)

2…. Call me stupid, crazy, senseless, shameless, silly, dumb, redneck, uneducated or whatthefuckeveryouwanttoo but I liked Anna Nicole and I am sad and angry that she has died - especially now that there is a baby out there without a mother. Regardless of how fucked up that mother may have been.

3…. Clappy shoes. Ya know, those sandals that women wear that have no strap so the sole claps up on their heel with every damned step they take. Clap Clap Clap. Clap Clap Clap. Those annoy the shit out of me.

4…. Attorneys who for the life of them, cannot figure out how to properly bill for shit or write a legible description to save their lives. And I’ll add to this list impatient attorneys who make me call and ask for things that we don’t have due to us for a few more days and then I get my head big off by the bitchy woman at the place I call and I get told that “we need to wait a minute” and if the thing is due Friday we need to wait an additional five days before we call because we aren’t the only client out there with demands and deadlines and bla fucking bla. I wanted to reach through the phone and choke her with the phone cord. I just asked a simple question. Grow the fuck up and act like a professional you whiney whore.

5…. My family and all of their selfish dysfunctional irrational glory.

6…. Schools that send me letters after my kid is out all week sick as hell that there was a strep throat exposure in her class in January!

7…. My mother in law and her neverendingfuckingnagging about when are we going to get the window valances made and when are we going to buy this and make that. When will the yard be done? When will I buy the dramas new curtains for their rooms to cover those ugly blinds. My priorities are not at shopping right now. Live with it.

8…. My husband - who I love dearly but if he doesn’t stop fit throwing when he doesn’t get his way or things don’t go his way - I am going to have to inflict serious bodily harm to him. Grow the fuck up you big baby.

9…inconsiderate, selfish, fuckwad assholes who can’t be bothered to hold the elevator, when they see you coming, when you are right there and make eye contact and you see their finger on the close door button. I hate them all and wish they would get herpes and have oozing open sores every day for the rest of their sick pathetic lives. Bastards.

10….The demands of everyday grown up life. Period.

11…. Lack of sleep and migraines.

12…. The weird dream I had AGAIN last night. This one woke me up at 5:14 a.m. and I’ve been up since. I lived in some duplex, 7 (Drama#3) was playing between our storm/security door and the front door with some cars. There were these two pillars where I could see down the stairs from our front door. On the street, the cars were all parked at a 45° angle. There was this guy with a little red car. Like a Honda or similar. Anyway, he had this skeleton type thing that hung on a track inside his car and it would switch seats. Its eyes lit up red. 7 was watching this guy play with it and I was watching her watch him. He seemed to be tinkering with it and when he had it how he wanted, he motioned that she could come down and see it if she wanted too. I thought no problem since I was right there and could see the whole thing. So I told her she could go look. I told her it was okay. She walked down all excited and that fucker threw her in his car and drove away before I could get off the porch. It woke right the fuck up and haven’t slept since.

13…. That is the third night in a row that I have had freaky borderline scary dreams and it is starting to wear on me. Especially that one. Where the hell did that come from?

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More Weirdnesssssssss

Another weird dream last night. I think there were two but they sorta ran together so I am not really sure.

The first one, I was in my room and someone brought in this big ass python. This thing was 12 to 15 feet long. Its head was like, eight or nine inches long and five to six inches wide. The person (whose face I never see) was holding it and the snake was coiled around his arm. He kept telling me to pet it. So I did and then the snake tried to coil around me. I moved and suddenly there was this other guy behind me to stop the snake from coiling around my body and strangling me. Soon, I held out my arm and the snake was on my arm and I was petting it and then I was in a car, with the snake and the same faceless guy. The snake kept trying to get on my dashboard to lay but I was afraid it would slither into one of the heat vents so I kept grabbing it and pulling it toward me. Then I grabbed it, put it back on my arm and suddenly the snake had fur and it wasn’t a snake anymore but rather, a medium sized cougar. It growled at me and kept jumping up on the dash board to lay in the sun.

Then we were out of the car thing, back in my room and the cougar kept trying to get on the dash board but we were in a room because we were standing up and then, suddenly, I was in the truck driving with TheMan.

Weird. Very weird.

We were driving around in Arizona and we came upon this street full of houses with Christmas lights still on them. And there was snow everywhere. For whatever reason, I made TheMan stop at one house and I went up and knocked on the door. A woman answered and I was telling her how much I loved her decorations and I was wondering if any were for sale. She said I could buy the whole yard for eight thousand dollars but I didn’t want that much stuff. I only wanted this pretty rope thing that was wine and gold colors braided and strung on a small pepper tree that was mostly covered in snow but the lights that were strung had melted the snow so I could see the braid thingy. Then I saw some red and white stripped socks and I wanted them too and she went into her house to get something and the next thing I know, TheMan and I are driving around in his old truck with my little brother.

What the fuck?

So we are driving around and we are going to eat and we are talking and we are driving past Robinson Bro’s car lot on State Street in Murray, Utah. I was looking out the window for this guy I used to know (Monica: Super Dave) who worked there but I didn’t see him and then we pulled into a parking lot and suddenly, I am out of the truck because TheMan had attempted to cut through a parking lot but they had put up these pole barrier things to stop people from cutting through and TheMan was out of the truck moving the poles and the steel plates they had on the ground and checking for those tire popper things and while he was doing that, I am watching this really souped-up pickup truck try to pull through what looks like a car wash or lube/oil place but its mufflers are sticking out the side of the truck and they are a weird L shape and the muffler hooked on the side of the wall thing and I kept waiting for the noise of the muffler falling off or the truck to stop moving but the truck just kept on going and the muffler (which was apparently made of kryptonite or some shit) pulled the wall of the place into itself and turned it the building into a strange U shape.

Huh?

Then I woke up with a hellacious headache that for a few hours turned into an almost migraine and I had to throw up in the gross assed filthy bathroom on this floor and I came back to lay in my office and sleep for a hour and I took a handful of sudafed and excedrin migraine and slammed two cokes in a row before I felt good enough to do some work and post this weird ass entry.