Showing posts with label Self Inflicted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self Inflicted. Show all posts

Be careful what you ask for

In Jan 2020, right before the pandemic got into full swing, I responded to an ad for a legal document reviewer, a temp job lasting 3 months, and I could work nights/weekends. I was still paying off divorce debt and I was trying to speed things along. The job began the first week of February, 2020.  It was just about then the world began shutting down so I didn't mind the 80 hour weeks. I was working from home anyway for the day job. I had an extra 2+ hours a day because I didn't have a commute. It was win/win.

Three things happened. 

1. I watched more television and movies between March 2020 and December 2022 than I have in my entire damn life. Just by having it on for background noise while I worked. I blew through 15 seasons, yes SEASONS of Supernatural in less than a year. so much TV

2. I paid off a shitton of divorce debt. Took a couple vacations, sold my house, bought a different one, moved the week of Thanksgiving 2021, quick converted the basement into an apartment with a full kitchen just in time for Drama#3 to have a baby in March, 2022.   

3. The temporary three month job lasted three YEARS. Officially ending in Jan, 2023. 

Losing that extra money didn't hurt anything but my feelings.  

Sure, it halted by ability to purchase stupid shit that I really didn't need and quelled my ability to pack up and go somewhere for a few days. But, I caught up on sleep. I became more physically active. I read some books. I enjoyed my new BFF grandbaby. I was chillin. She is spoiled.

I don't know exactly when, but interest rates began creeping higher. Higher. HIGHER. Gas prices started getting higher. Groceries became obscenely expensive. My home equity loan is tied to Prime. The payment doubled. I basically have a car payment now.

I started feeling the crunch.  Don't get me wrong, I am very lucky to be able to pay my bills.  I just don't have extra money like I did. And I miss it #FirstWorldProblems. Like I said, losing that extra money didn't hurt anything but my feelings. 

And I suppose my ability to quickly get some fixer uppers done.  I am lucky that my new house ticked every box for what I was looking for in a house, except one: 

less commute: ✔
basement apartment ✔
east side of freeway ✔
NOT north facing ✔ (bye bye deathly icy driveway that never melts)
no carpet anywhere ✔
smaller yard - somehow I ended up with a bigger yard

The yard is big. Like, twice as big as the last yard. And hilly. And full of trees and open area. And I love it. But I hate it.
 
It is like a small child with the amount of work and attention it constantly requires. And this year, the winds and water we've had have caused weeds to be at an all time high. Not just in my yard, it's been on the news, they're everywhere. But I cannot keep up. I killed everything last year. It came back with a vengeance this year.
 
So I want to add some weed barrier and rock.  And remove my park strip grass and add rock; and I want to fix the fence because it's old AF, and ugly. really I want to remove the fence. I want to fence off the side of the house so the dogs cannot get to the front. Because Drama#3's Pug is a fucking terrorist and her bark is like shards of broken glass piercing your ear drums over and over and over while she barks at every goddam thing she hears.
 
the dog across the street farted? BARK BARK BARK
a leaf fell from the tree? BARK BARK BARK
someone has the audacity to walk on the sidewalk across the street: BARK BARK BARK
a car drove by? BARK BARK BARK while she runs the length of the fence

I'm not kidding when I say her bark is piercing.  Imagine listening to Elmo, Rosita, and Abby all sing this song, ON FULL BLAST VOLUME. That is mild in comparison to the Pug.
 
I shit you not. 
 
In order to fence half the yard and keep the dogs in the back, I have to add a doggie door in the laundry room.  bla bla bla 
 
money money money
 
I've learned over the half century I've been alive, that I need to be very specific in what I ask for, or the Universe will give me what it thinks I'm asking for.  and I forgot that lesson
 
For the past 5 or 6 months, I've been putting out into the universe that a little extra money would be helpful right now.  Just a few thousand dollars could, theoretically, solve my yard issues.  I don't need much, just a little help. 
 
And the Universe heard me. And responded.
 
The review job that ended last year?  The law firm reached out with a new offer. They have a temporary, 3 month project. . . 

Thank you Universe.

The upside, this will force me to get my shit together and get back onto a regimented schedule. And I need that. Because absent something like a super tight schedule, I'm too lazy to make myself do things. So I'll get back on track, and I'll have some project money.

The downside, be careful what you ask for AND how you ask for it. :) Because what I won't have to spare is time.  
  

When the mind plays games

Sometimes I play the what if game. 

What if I had better parents.

What if I didn’t grow up dirt poor. 

Or in foster homes. 

Or moving every three months. 

Would my life be drastically different?  Would I have gone to college? Would I be an attorney? A mom? A divorcee? 

Maybe.  Maybe not.

I look at the things I have accomplished, and I seriously wonder if I would have accomplished them if I’d had a normal childhood. 

Would I have had the drive? The determination? The desire?

I know that I am where I am not just because of who I am, but also because I had something to prove.  

Even when I didn't believe I belonged, I always believed I could do it.  Just to prove a point.

There were a whole bunch of people who told me I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I shouldn’t. You don't belong there. People like us don't belong there. People like you don't belong with people like them.

I set out to prove to each and every one of them that I could. That I would. That I should. That I belonged. 

And all but one were proven wrong.

It’s me. I’m the one.


Time

It seems to me that time passes much more quickly than it did when I was younger.  My kids are grown, having kids of their own, and I'm over here feeling like I don't have enough time. Like I'm in a race to complete some unknown agenda and I don't have time to finish and there is a clock looming just outside of reach 

Tick Tock

Tick Tock

The fact that the years left for me are shorter in number than the years I've lived is always present. Lurking in the shadows of my mind. Waiting for just the right moment to pop up and say "It's me. Hi" 

via GIPHY

And I know Its me. I'm the problem. It's me. 

morbid.  Yes

intrusive. Yes

controllable.  Probably.   


Welp

Day two of no sleep.  Well, that’s not true.  I sleep.  For about 65 to 85 minutes. Then I wake up for another hour.  Then I sleep again.  Then I wake up again. 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 

I think I might be stressed.  So much for having a grip on my shit.