2. You are good
3. You are genuine
4. You are enough
5. You deserve nice things
6. You are happy
7. You are beautiful
8. You are NOT your past
9. You are better than you think
10. You can do it
11. You are worthy of success
12. You are strong
13. You are capable
Now swap out I for You, and am for are
Because sometimes we all need a little reminder
I was going through old photos and deleting the 257gazillion screenshots of memes and screen shots, and other rando shit you save on your phone that you never look at again. In the mix was several photos of the Ex. Mostly him and one of the dog's. Very few of him and me, or him and the Dramas. It's weird that I feel absolutely nothing when I see him in person, but something about seeing those old photos made me feel some kinda way.
I felt it like a pit in my stomach, like when you're on a an amusement park ride and your stomach falls out from under you. But it also felt like an ache. In my heart.
Nostalgia? Grief? Indigestion?
Whatever it was, I didn't like. And my inner dialog seized the opportunity to speak some harsh truths.
after everything he did?
after what he put you though?
the lies? mockery? lack of respect and common decency?
you're gonna feel some kinda way?
You're a fucking moron.
and it's not wrong, per se.
I have a habit of holding on to shit I don't need. Literally and figuratively. During the past few months I've been purging; cleaning; unlearning old habits and archaic beliefs. Taking loads of crap to the dump. Washing my brain with soap. I gathered some of that energy and put it to use. I used those harsh truths to muster up something akin to bravery. Maybe determination?
As I deleted the memes-a-plenty, I also deleted the photos of him. Moving along, clicking next. delete. next, delete, getting into a rhythm, I came across a shitton of text message screen shots.
apologies.
i love you's.
it won't happen again's.
this made me realize how much i need you's.
And I realized as I read the first few, my inner dialog was right. I was a fucking moron. All those years of staying in my comfort zone and snorting up hope that he'd change like a goddam drug. It got me nothing but older.
And as I proceeded to delete those texts, I got to a point where I didn't even read them. Because they didn't matter. And I sure as hell don't need to keep them for some self inflicted painful journey down memory lane at a later date.
My life is different now. In a good way. In a calmer, peaceful way. Guys, my fucking hair is healthier. Like, WTF?
People were right, it took time, patience, and reflection. And so much working on me. To find me.
I cannot believe my life is what it is now. I look back and don't recognize the old me or my old life. I kinda like me again (it's a work in progress). I like the boundaries I've set. The goals I've set. The freedom to do or not do what I want, when I want. If I want. To like the things I like, without judgment.
And I sure as shit don't miss anyone commenting you got another box from amazon today. Or watching a constant rotation of Cops, drag racing, and golf.
The facts are he's miserable in his new life, and still broke, and still a liar. And well. I'll take it. Chalk it up as entertainment for my amusement courtesy of the Fates. And Karma.
Karma's a relaxing thought ...
Ask me what I learned from all those yearsAsk me what I earned from all those tears
Sweet like justice, karma is a queen...
~ Taylor Swift