In my dreams

Yesterday I had a dream that woke me up at least four times.  I had all but forgotten about it until I was taking a bath so I could go to work - and then it hit me like a ton of bricks and actually sucked the air out of my lungs. I was honestly stunned as I sat there trying to wash my hair. 

I had apparently suffered a breakdown of some kind.  I know this because I’d checked myself in to a facility.  There were other “patients” there, and lots of rooms with beds and rooms with televisions and an arts and crafts room.  There were doctor and nurse types milling around.  And I knew that I had checked myself in.  And that I needed some rest. 

And that’s the first time I woke up.  It was 3:43 a.m.

The next part of my dream was me touring this “facility” and being told about what it offered and I saw more of the arts and crafts room and the TV room.  There were lots of us “patients” wandering around.  They all looked fine to me, just tired. We are all so very tired. 

Then I woke up again. It was 4:12 a.m.

The next part of the dream takes place in what I suppose was my “room” and I had a roommate and she was doing something over on her bed, I can see her, but she is more a shadow than anything else.  I was talking to someone, a worker of some kind, and I was so tired.  I was bitching that I had to get ready for work and someone had told me I could not leave so I was pissed.  I plead my case, that I had a job to do and needed to leave, and I promised to come back after work so I could sleep and rest, the worker kept telling me I couldn’t leave.  I started to get really anxious because they would not listen to what I was saying and then I woke up again. 

This time it was 5:56 a.m. The sun was up.  The dogs heard me open my eyelids because they started to wrestle around but I drifted off to sleep again. 

In my dream, a new person was talking to me, I think he was a doctor type and he was holding my arms to my sides and telling me that I was not allowed to leave, even to go to work.  And I was still so anxious. And I started to breathe heavily in my dream and I said my boss would be mad if I wasn’t at work and I said no one had told me when I came in that I would not be able to leave again and why weren’t they listening to me?  And I said over and over that I had been tricked and lied to and no one ever said if I checked in I wouldn’t be able to leave.  I even said “what is this, Hotel California? Where you can check in but never check out?” And the doctor guy just kept saying to calm down and take a deep breath and it would be alright - and then I woke up again.

I felt out of breath and hot and sweaty.  I my dream and how I felt upon waking up to mean a few different things. 

I’m feeling trapped.
I’m feeling alone.
I’m feeling pressured.
I’m tired (Duh!).
I’m feeling out of control. 
I’m feeling like I need to run away to have any kind of me time, peace, quiet, and/or sleep.

My solution:

I don’t have one.  Status quo for now.  Because short of quitting my job or school, there is nothing that is going to change during the next 13 months.  I have too many things to do, too many deadlines, too many people counting on me and there are simply not enough hours in the day.