Wrap Up

I finally got off my ass and took down the christmas tree this past weekend.  I cannot tell you how glad I am that is gone.

Then, in a moment of insanity, I went out and bought all new frames for my family photographs.  None of my old frames matched, which was not an issue so much as the fact that they were shitty dollar store frames.  Plastic and metal.  No character or wow factor.  In the midst of putting my photographs up, I got one helluva paper cut and immediately shelved that idea until next weekend.  I may lose a finger. Not sure yet.  The cut was deep and painful and I bled a LOT.  I tried to get the man to kiss me better but he thinks my injury is further south.  Perv. 

In other news, I was minding my own business friday night, going out to dinner with the man and dramas and my cell phone rang.  When I see any family member’s name on my caller ID, my heart skips a beat.  My stomach falls to my knees and my chest tightens just a bit.  Just talking to them on the phone brings on the sleepless nights and it takes days to shake the feeling of darkness. It was my step dad.  I don’t know why I even answer it. But, I did.  He was delivering down here and wanted to know if he and my mom could spend the night. I froze.  In my mind I said no but the words falling out of my mouth were “okay.”

I’m such a sucker.  If talking on the phone causes such anxiety, just try to imagine how bad it is when I have to spend time, face to face, with any of them.  They called me many times saturday to let me know when they’d be here and how far away they were.  The last call, around 7:30 p.m. my mom said “Dad wants you to tell the dramas that we were going to come down but there is just too much snow and we can’t make it.”

(you see, they do this.  They call and say shit like, we’re coming, then they call and say we can’t make it, then they show up. And sometimes they don’t.  But you never fucking know.)

ANYway, I said I wasn’t going to tell the dramas.  So my mom says “well, Dad wanted to know what they said” (it is some kind of sick twisted game he plays and I could tell you stories.) and I said, “No.  I will not tell them. I will not play with their heads. They have no idea you’re coming so they’ll be plenty surprised when you show up.”

Within minutes of their arrival, I regretted even answering the phone.  I forget how I feel when they’re around.  How I doubt things and feel uncomfortable and cannot sleep.  I forget how difficult they make life becaues a) my dad won’t eat anything if there is a visible vegitable and/or it isn’t made of hamburger or fried potatoes; b) My mom sits and reads a book the entire time she is awake, never a part of any conversation; c) They insist on telling me about my other brothers and sisters and how good they are doing when I don’t really give a shit because living on welfare and not having jobs and giving kids aways is NOT good to me; AND d) they stink. They both smoke 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes PER DAY.  When they’re traveling, they DO NOT roll down the windows so they reek of cigarette.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give two shits if people smoke or not.  I don’t care if they smoke in their house or car or while they’re taking a shit.  However, I do care if my house stinks because of it.  When I woke up sunday morning, that is all I could smell because their coats were hanging up and their bags were in the bedroom.  When they weren’t looking, I Fabreezed the hell out of their stuff.  I almost felt guilty. 

I will not sleep the rest of this week.  I feel the tension already. We are eating hot dogs for dinner because that is something my dad will eat.  I don’t want to go home. I cannot even shut myself into the computer room because that is the spare bedroom.  They were supposed to leave today.  I just found out it won’t be until tomorrow. 

I think I need therapy.