Did you ever feel like no matter what you did you were doing it wrong? Or that no matter how hard you try, you consistently fuck it up? Or that you tried so hard to get ahead, yet regardless of what you do, you stay behind?
Yea. Me too.
Trying for the past year and a half to dig out of the debt hell hole we fell into moving from Utah to Arizona, where we had to spend every cent we had to move has made me bitter. We get a little extra money put back into savings; we get another little bill that needs paid.
Then as if that weren’t enough, my student loans have come due (ACK!)
Then TheMan got yet Another Freaking Credit Card which I could have killed him but I didn’t have anywhere to bury the body.
Then as if all of that weren’t enough weigh on me every stinkin day of every stinkin week, last Friday was hell at work and on my break I thought I’d balance my checkbook. Oops. I forgot to deduct the Blockbuster online payment of a whopping $10.24. Well. It all went to shit right then and there. Everything we spent/paid the week before cost an additional $33 each. I ended up paying the bank $462 in bank fees. $462 that I really couldn’t spare.
So, I started looking for a part time night job this weekend. Just a few nights a week and the weekend as a waitress should get us back on our feet by the end of summer. Of course TheMan is shitting his pants because he doesn’t understand where all our money goes. He doesn’t want me to get another job. He thinks (as always) that “we’ll be fine” or “it will work out” but I just don’t have that blind faith like he does.
The point to all of this is not that I feel sorry for myself because that isn’t it. More it is the fact that I am a fucking adult and I should have known better. And I can sit here and kick myself in the ass all I want and it won’t change anything. At the end of the day, it is a battle of wills because I want to work and make more money, he wants me to be home at night and feels the whole “inadequate man” thing because he isn’t supporting his family (which I could devote a whole post too).
Saturday TheMan’s uncle came over for dinner and I had just come home from putting my applications in at TGIFridays and IHOP. When I was complaining that there was no place on the application to put my experience because they only ask for your last three employers, Uncle got visibly upset and asked why I needed another job. We gave him the very vague answer, “we’re a little behind.” He is concerned that we won't see each other and the dramas will suffer. Having never had children, family unit to him is of the utmost importance. And, he is of the old school sect wherein living with less and sacrifice is everything.
Today TheMan called me and said Uncle gave him money. I don’t know how much money, and I don’t particularly care. The thing is, now I feel like I’m going to owe him something. Someday, he will want something from us, and when we aren’t able to give/get/achieve that thing, he will hold this money over our heads. He probably won’t really ever do this, but I will worry endlessly about it because that is how my family operates.
So, having aired all that dirty laundry, aren’t you glad you read this blog?
Yes, i'm glad I read this blog. =) And, you are so right about 'owing' him. Take the psycho gramma situation....we BOUGHT this house. We PAID for it, and yet because she arranged for us to do so, she felt like she still had one up on us. I never realized how much control she held over us until I paid that off in full last month, and now I feel like a new person. Literally. Do whatcha gotta do, sweets. If TheMan doesn't get it, so be it. And you ARE sacrificing for your family....someday he'll understand that. Mr. Pickles works a weekend job part time so that I can stay home, and we can live the life we want....that is a sacrifice, and even though it's of a different type, it's all for the betterment of the family, and I appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I do things like that way too often and I hate it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I read this blog because too often I've found myself in the same position. I hope you guys are able to dig out soon. Money problems suck to high heavens.
ReplyDeleteBanks, grrrr... don't get me started. We've had a bunch of those lately and they really make me mad.
ReplyDeleteI've SO been there, done that. I know exactly where you'er comin' from. It sucks, but we do what we gotta' do.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm glad I read your blog. Why? Because more often than not - although you're completely frustrated at the time, I feel like I'm not alone. We've been there before, and could be there again by Friday. It doesn't take much to get there, but it sure takes a lot to get out!!
ReplyDeleteHugs, and Aleve.
Since Uncle feels so strongly about family, maybe he won't old it over you head - (my Uncle would, but I've always called him Silar Marner).
ReplyDeleteTry to argue away some of those bank fees - it works sometimes.
Oh, I read you blog regularly. You're one of my favorites!
I'm surprised TheMan took the money, with all of his 'supporting his family' issues.
ReplyDeletePaperweight would have us eating cat food before admitting he needed help.
Yup I'm glad I read this blog.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya on the uncle thing. My Grandma gave me a small amount of money (under $400) after highschool. I thought it was something I didn't have to pay back. I was wrong. She held that over my head for the longest time, and I felt a supreme sense of satisfaction when I gave her the money back.
I don't think the Uncle will do that, but you never know. I hope he never does.
((hugs))
My husband's family is like your family. My parents help without holding it over our head, but he feels obligated.
ReplyDeleteBut the way I see it, since TheMan took the money, he is the one that owes it. ;) Ok, that probably didn't make it better.
The first time Jay and I almost got into a fight (we have never really fought about anything) was when he wanted to pay off my credit card debt for me. We had been drinking so it was probably a more emotional conversation then it needed to be, but even though we were planning on getting married I didnt want him to pay off my debt I had from when I was with my ex. I got myself into the situation and dammit I was going to get myself out. And I did, and I have to say that I really felt free of my ex and everything that happened when I finally got to click the submit button and knew my balance was zero. And Jay was really proud of me. Now we can get married and we will both be debt free.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the money stuff can be scary and stressful. I can say without hesitation that it's the reason my first marriage came unravelled. (At least I learned my lesson; my ex, not so much. She makes half again what I do and is definitely in worse financial shape than I am.)
ReplyDeleteIt sucks when you're still at that "living paycheck-to-paycheck" stage of things. I'm not there anymore but I'm still no more than a couple of weeks away from dealing with a whole world of overdrafts and so forth.
If you haven't done so already, you can get a deferral on your student loans. Talk to the bank about that if you think it will help.
And in the meantime, sit down with TheMan and figure out which (NOT "whether") credit cards are getting cut up. The newer ones should be the first to go (because the older ones are the ones that help set up your credit history). Good luck!
I hear ya loud and clear. They say money can't buy happiness, but it sure as hell doesn't hurt to have it!
ReplyDeleteThanks to the current administration, everyone is behind. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteAt one point, I worked THREE jobs to help pay the bills when J was making minimum wage (this was one of the reasons I left and he finally got his ass to school.)
The kids suffered by missing their mom, but hey... at least we had a roof over our heads and food in our tummies, yo!
Hang in there, I'm sending good thoughts your way.
That sounds an awful lot like my EX husband -- No real goals to get ahead, and just vague references to success and happiness.
ReplyDeleteIt's really good to see that you are doing what you have to do, with or without his help, to find some feeling of a solid financial future.
May I suggest, that rather than working for so little, that you take on some contracts that pay more so you can work less, and do it at home? You mentioned student loans? Perhaps taking on work in that area would allow you to gain experience, and pay off the debt based on what you learned?
Sorry for the unsolicited advice -- I'm sure you've worked it through and decided on what best suits your situation!
Well I am glad I read this dear Keb...I am so sorry you are having these problems...I wish I had a really wonderful solution...not that you have asked for that...it's just I feel bad you have to take a second job. I know you don't feel good about it, of course. Is there any way you can convine TheMan to NOT get more credit cards and to get rid of all these new ones that will just add to your debt...well, HIS debt, really...I understand you worrying about Uncle...but is it possible that he just really cares about you and wants to help without strings? Just asking, my dear.
ReplyDeleteI hope you guys can solve some of these stressful problems..
Oh and Michele sent me here today and I'm very glad she did!
I'm sorry to stick in my 2 cents, but I'm surprised you mentioned the money thing with Uncle around. Since he could help he probably decided that he would, I hope he didn't think you guys were hinting you could use a loan.
ReplyDeleteI'll give you a worse situation (MINE) that might make you feel better. I have student loans right around the corner and SIX credit cards to pay and I don't even have a job or a husband. I'm on Careerbuilder and Craigslist like 8 hours a day and have found nothing. My mom is helping me out and she expects some repayment too.
I hear you, because I used to live on my CC's which is how I'm so in debt and loans were also how I was living. I really f**ked up when it came to money, I wish I had never started with credit cards, I feel so stupid now with the trouble I'm in and can't pay. It's very depressing. I don't know what I'm going to do.
See? There's always someone worse off than you. :)
Yup, glat that I read this blog. Let's me know that I'm not alone!
ReplyDeleteBanks love to kick you when you are down. And credit card companies are worse. Don't get me started.
ReplyDeleteReading your blog is cool, it helps me know I am not the only one having a shitty...err...year or two...LOL
ReplyDeleteIn a perfect world TheMan who got the extra credit card would realize that such actions were the cause of things like you getting a second job and learn not to do such irresponsible things anymore.
ReplyDeleteBut this isn't a perfect world.
Did you try calling your bank and at least finding out if they were willing to work with you on the late fees a bit? Sometimes they'll remove a few of them. Especially if you have alot or if you're not constantly getting them.
Besides. Maybe it just makes Uncle feel good to have someone to take care of now and then, since he doesn't have his own. I'm sure if he ever does need something in return, it will be something he didn't even know he was in need of and you'll be intuitive enough to recognize it and meet that need without being asked. You seem like a generous, kind, sensitive person who would do things like that.
We all give of ourselves, just in different ways.