I'm trying to keep perspective but damn

I was leaving the Huntsman Cancer Hospital after a long day with my little brother who had a couple stomach biopsies.  A story for another day. 

A lady in the elevator said to her friend “I just want to go home.” I'd seen her friend in the waiting room. There were a handful of us out there for several hours. Shifting in our seats. Quiet. Avoiding eye contact. Waiting.

When we got outside I saw the lady.  She was smoking a cigarette.  Not a vape. A smoke. The old fashioned kind.

I know every one approaches the hard stuff differently. I get that.  But if you’re getting cancer treatment, why are you smoking? And if treatment is prolonging the inevitable, why are you doing it? And why are you still smoking?

I'm trying to keep perspective but damn.   

I’m just over here putting on a good front while I silently bargain with the fates. Hoping he isn't terminal and smiling to comfort him. Wishing I could take the pain and sick and fear away from this 43 year old manboy who I love as if he came from my womb.  

And trying really hard not to judge the smoker. 

Cutting the cords

I deleted The Facebook and Instagram. I haven't been on the book of face for ages, but I posted to Insta occasionally and that would cross post to the book of face. 

There is just so much shit on the sites. And trolls. I wade through tens and twenty ads and "suggestions" before seeing a post from someone I actually followed.  Then trying to wade through the misinformation, the AI generated shit, the ads - so many ads.  So I slowly stopped going there. 

I still watch Twitter because I like a good train wreck occasionally, and I keep an eye on Bluesky.  Mostly I'm just tired of feeling meh about everything I see. 

The thing is, I don't miss either site. I don't think I'm missing anything by being gone.  Other than posts from my own kids.  Otherwise, meh


Memory Lane

He stuck his tongue out at her and she said “ewww, put tongue away.”  Then she said mom “Unk stick tongue out.” And she said TeeTee tell Unk be nice me.” 

It was funny.  And cute.

And it triggered a memory.

When I was 9 or 10, maybe even younger. We were at my aunt’s house.  All of us kids were playing outside. There were five or six of us. The oldest, we’ll call her Patsy.  She stuck her tongue out at an old man in the yard next door.

The old man promptly went to the front door and told my aunt that the “kids” were sticking their tongue out at him. 

We all got called inside. We all got yelled at.  We all got asked who did it.  Everyone denied it. Then Patsy said it was me.

My mom promptly went to the kitchen to get her weapon of choice. A metal spatula. The one with the holes in it.

I was crying and pleading promising my mom that it wasn’t me.  Agreeing I did know better.  But Patsy was older. “Why would she lie.”

My mom came back with the spatula and told me to pull my pants down because “you know better than that.”

I was crying. And pleading. And everyone was looking at me. My aunt. My uncle. Patsy. Patsy’s mom. Patsy’s teenage brother. I told my mom I didn’t want to pull my pants down in front of them.

She told me to go in the living room. So I did.

I started to pull down my pants and Patsy’s mom came and sat on the couch. Then her son. Then my aunt.

I was humiliated. Standing there in my underwear while my mom spanked me.

I don’t know how many times she hit me. I stopped counting years before this.

This memory has stuck around since that weekend. Living rent free in my head.  Hopefully now it can crawl back into whatever hole it came out of and never appear again.

In other news

My phone updated and I lost all my Notes. In the big scheme of things not the end of the world.  But in my ADHD brain, each time I open the app to find my last blood pressure reading, or some obscure password I use twice a year, and they're gone? 

PANIC

Then I remember and curse iPhone.

Bucking Bronco

I bought a new Bronco. A 2 door. 

I named it My Midlife Crisis

And now I cannot stop thinking about quitting my job and living in it until the money runs out. 

I'm tired. 

I'm bored.

I'm restless. 

I'm . . . .  something. 

 

Coming around

One thing people don't talk about enough is that when people divorce, they don't just divorce each other.  They divorce the family too.  Not always.  And not always by choice. 

I was married for 23 years.  My ex's oldest brother was my friend.  We would talk all the time. We spent over 20 years of holidays together. Over 20 years of funerals, family events, and get togethers.  He was up to date on current events. He was into politics like me. Unlike the rest of his family.  He was a good conversationalist (when he wasn't drunk).

On election night 2016, Daughter#2 and I had been watching in disbelief, nearly in tears as each political outlet called states in favor of the screaming carrot. We were dumbfounded.  Couldn't believe what we were seeing.  I still cannot wrap my head around it completely. 

It was around 1:30 a.m. on election night and my phone rang. Daughter#2 looked at me, said who, the fuck, is calling you at 1:30 in the morning?  I said, it's Uncle XXX. I answered and he said "can you believe this shit? I don't believe what I'm seeing." And we shared a few minutes of sadness and disbelief.  

I got divorced in October, 2018.  I wasn't sure if we could stay friends. I wasn't sure of a lot of things then.  Ultimately he came to my house for that first Thanksgiving.  He said "my brother is a fucking idiot and that's all I will say on that."  When my ex found out he came over, he was pissed.  I don't know what happened next, but that was the last holiday we spent together.  We see each other at family events like funerals, our children's weddings, etc.  

Over the last couple of years, he calls for legal advice and then apologizes for asking. At first there was an awkwardness. I finally told him he could call me whenever, he wasn't a burden, or bothering me, because I still consider him family and I'll do anything to help if I can.  

The last time he called, he apologized for only calling when he wants something. I laughed and said "you don't only call when you want something. You use that as a reason to call."  He laughed. Said I was probably right.  

I was.

Fast forward to yesterday.  He called while I was in a meeting and left a voice mail:  

Hey, I was just calling to see, to make sure, I know you have, I know you have pets. I was just calling to see if they were OK because apparently there's just millions of immigrants streaming across the border, and they want to turn your pets in to two for a dollar lunches, so I'm just calling, just reassure me. Give me a call when you can.  

I cackled. Loudly.  He'd watched the debate.

I called him when I got home.  We talked about the debate and current political climate for an hour and a half.  

Like we'd never stopped talking. 

Thursday Thirteen

 


Thirteen rando thoughts I've had this week. 

1. I over peopled today.

2. How deep is the ocean?

3. Will I ever go to bed before 2a.m. on a regular basis? 

4. Why am I a politics junkie?

5. I wish I'd have taken better care of my body and developed better exercise habits in my 20s.

6. Should I purge the garage or go through stuff first?

7. Can I afford to go to Ireland? Do I want to go alone?

8. I think I'm getting crankier with age.

9. I am falling into bad habits again.

10. How have I learned more about ADHD from TikTok than any doctor I've seen.

11. I really need to put away the laundry.

12. Working two jobs again was dumb.

13. I really do not enjoy the summer. 

Wordless Wednesday

 


I was cutting an avocado for lunch

and it was a slippery little guy.  I had avocado under my finger nails and on my hand, it was messy. 

Delicious, but messy. 

Anyway, it reminded me of a time back in Arizona when I was getting my nails did, and the nail tech was filing under the nail to clean it out and he said "ohhh, you don't cook."

Uh, what?  Yes I do every night.  

He said "ohh, your nails are not stained." 

I remember going home wondering what kind of weirdo doesn't clean under their nails when they wash their hands. Or do dishes.  Or show up to get their nails done with food stained hands. Eww. 

and gross.  

And that slippery avocado reminded me of that as I was checking under the sink at work looking for something to scrub under my nails to get all the green mush out.  

because Eww. and Gross.

Thursday Thirteen

 

The catching up edition.

1. I had a trail in June/July that consumed every waking minute of my days. It was complex, and complicated and every day after trail we were at the office preparing for the next day until 8p or 9p.

2.  The jury came back around eight p.m. on on July 3rd. I was home by 8:40p and passed out on the couch almost immediately. I remember waking up around midnight and going to my bed. 

3. I woke up the next day at 1:45pm.  I slept 13 hours and I needed it.  

4. My last week long trial was in 2018.  I was younger then. I bounced back easier.  We had three trials back to back, October, November, and January.  Three trials, three separate counties, two an hour away.  I wasn't this tired then. 

5. 2024 is not the same as 2018.  

6. I have a three day trial in mid-October and a two week trial in November that is scheduled to end the Friday before Thanksgiving. 

7. I really hope the November trial settles. Because fuck me if it doesn't.  

8. The October trial screwed my vacation days. Not that I planned to go anywhere, but I lost 80 hours last year because use it or lose it. I'm not making that mistake this year so I scheduled two weeks in Aug/Sept, and a week in Oct, a week in Nov, and the week between Christmas/New Years. 

9. The Aug/Sept and Oct days need to be moved because motions for both trials are due in the same time frame.  

10. Also, getting older blows.  I don't bounce back like I used to. I don't keep weight off like I used to. Yet my face still breaks out like a goddamn teenager.  TF?      

11.  And, my favorite thing in the whole world, sleep, I don't get that anymore either. I'm lucky to get 6 hours.  Who TF thought old people wouldn't want to sleep MORE in their golden years?  \\

12. I've lived. I've seen things. I'm tired. I want a solid 10 hour sleep every night. Period.

13. Now you're all caught up with me. What's up with you?

Trial

I have been in full trial prep mode since mid-May.  Trial began on June 26th.  

I am tired. 

And cranky. 

And tired. 

Trial ends on the 3rd.  

Win or lose, I plan to sleep for three days. 

Be careful what you ask for

In Jan 2020, right before the pandemic got into full swing, I responded to an ad for a legal document reviewer, a temp job lasting 3 months, and I could work nights/weekends. I was still paying off divorce debt and I was trying to speed things along. The job began the first week of February, 2020.  It was just about then the world began shutting down so I didn't mind the 80 hour weeks. I was working from home anyway for the day job. I had an extra 2+ hours a day because I didn't have a commute. It was win/win.

Three things happened. 

1. I watched more television and movies between March 2020 and December 2022 than I have in my entire damn life. Just by having it on for background noise while I worked. I blew through 15 seasons, yes SEASONS of Supernatural in less than a year. so much TV

2. I paid off a shitton of divorce debt. Took a couple vacations, sold my house, bought a different one, moved the week of Thanksgiving 2021, quick converted the basement into an apartment with a full kitchen just in time for Drama#3 to have a baby in March, 2022.   

3. The temporary three month job lasted three YEARS. Officially ending in Jan, 2023. 

Losing that extra money didn't hurt anything but my feelings.  

Sure, it halted by ability to purchase stupid shit that I really didn't need and quelled my ability to pack up and go somewhere for a few days. But, I caught up on sleep. I became more physically active. I read some books. I enjoyed my new BFF grandbaby. I was chillin. She is spoiled.

I don't know exactly when, but interest rates began creeping higher. Higher. HIGHER. Gas prices started getting higher. Groceries became obscenely expensive. My home equity loan is tied to Prime. The payment doubled. I basically have a car payment now.

I started feeling the crunch.  Don't get me wrong, I am very lucky to be able to pay my bills.  I just don't have extra money like I did. And I miss it #FirstWorldProblems. Like I said, losing that extra money didn't hurt anything but my feelings. 

And I suppose my ability to quickly get some fixer uppers done.  I am lucky that my new house ticked every box for what I was looking for in a house, except one: 

less commute: ✔
basement apartment ✔
east side of freeway ✔
NOT north facing ✔ (bye bye deathly icy driveway that never melts)
no carpet anywhere ✔
smaller yard - somehow I ended up with a bigger yard

The yard is big. Like, twice as big as the last yard. And hilly. And full of trees and open area. And I love it. But I hate it.
 
It is like a small child with the amount of work and attention it constantly requires. And this year, the winds and water we've had have caused weeds to be at an all time high. Not just in my yard, it's been on the news, they're everywhere. But I cannot keep up. I killed everything last year. It came back with a vengeance this year.
 
So I want to add some weed barrier and rock.  And remove my park strip grass and add rock; and I want to fix the fence because it's old AF, and ugly. really I want to remove the fence. I want to fence off the side of the house so the dogs cannot get to the front. Because Drama#3's Pug is a fucking terrorist and her bark is like shards of broken glass piercing your ear drums over and over and over while she barks at every goddam thing she hears.
 
the dog across the street farted? BARK BARK BARK
a leaf fell from the tree? BARK BARK BARK
someone has the audacity to walk on the sidewalk across the street: BARK BARK BARK
a car drove by? BARK BARK BARK while she runs the length of the fence

I'm not kidding when I say her bark is piercing.  Imagine listening to Elmo, Rosita, and Abby all sing this song, ON FULL BLAST VOLUME. That is mild in comparison to the Pug.
 
I shit you not. 
 
In order to fence half the yard and keep the dogs in the back, I have to add a doggie door in the laundry room.  bla bla bla 
 
money money money
 
I've learned over the half century I've been alive, that I need to be very specific in what I ask for, or the Universe will give me what it thinks I'm asking for.  and I forgot that lesson
 
For the past 5 or 6 months, I've been putting out into the universe that a little extra money would be helpful right now.  Just a few thousand dollars could, theoretically, solve my yard issues.  I don't need much, just a little help. 
 
And the Universe heard me. And responded.
 
The review job that ended last year?  The law firm reached out with a new offer. They have a temporary, 3 month project. . . 

Thank you Universe.

The upside, this will force me to get my shit together and get back onto a regimented schedule. And I need that. Because absent something like a super tight schedule, I'm too lazy to make myself do things. So I'll get back on track, and I'll have some project money.

The downside, be careful what you ask for AND how you ask for it. :) Because what I won't have to spare is time.  
  

when I tell you I cried

I carry mom guilt. Not every day, but often enough. I always hope that I didn't screw up too badly as a parent. I have only a few regrets (thankfully?) and I can count them on one hand.  They're always there, in the back of my head, that nagging voice reminding me . 

Mom guilt. It's rough. 

Last weekend I was watching the GrandBaby#1.  She's two and very independent and very much likes to mimic me.  We were having breakfast and I gave her orange juice in a cup.  A cup with no lid.

She did very well and I snapped a pic to send to her mom and her auntie.  The conversation morphed into something unexpected:

Our childhood was the best.

Seeing the Dramas talk about these specific Friday night memories with such fondness made me smile. Something that at the time seemed so small and inconsequential to me.  Yet created such happy memories and left a positive lasting impression.

Reader. When I tell you I cried. Big fat tears. And I felt an overwhelming sense of, I don't even know - relief?  Relief I didn't even know I needed.  

Damn. 

Thursday Thirteen – the positive edition

1. You are worthy

2. You are good

3. You are genuine

4. You are enough

5. You deserve nice things

6. You are happy

7. You are beautiful

8. You are NOT your past

9. You are better than you think

10. You can do it

11. You are worthy of success

12. You are strong

13. You are capable

Now swap out I for You, and am for are

Because sometimes we all need a little reminder  

Wordless Wednesday

 


Day off

This is my first day off in over a month where I have not left my house.  Drama#2 and her baby are not home this weekend. 

It's just me and the dogs and a TV I cannot decide if I want to watch or not. 

I re-potted a couple plants, cleaned out the greenhouse cabinet and added a new shelf. Blogged here and there.  

Spent three hours unsubscribing and deleting emails. My god what a pain in the ass that was. And I'm probably only half way through the amount of unsubscribing I need to complete.

Now I'm going to feed the dogs, make me some dinner, and then IDK what is next.  Maybe a nap. Maybe some Netflix.  Maybe some video gaming. 

What a nice day!  


May is Mental Health Month

I am swamped at work and barely have time to think.  I worked 74 hours last week.  

I am currently between C and D on the scale. 
 

I'll likely be at this point until after my trial in June.  

And when that ends, I'm taking a week off and not leaving my house.  And while I'm off, I'm planning a two week vacation for August.